Not sure where I am tonight.

Health concerns and testing have me back in doctor’s offices, waiting rooms, and procedure rooms again. I write this from a hotel room near the hospital where I’ve received two injections in the last two days. Tomorrow will bring a small dose of radioiodine and Friday, body scan. Just routine, right?!

I’ve been trying to get a hold of my thoughts all day but I’m not sure what to do with them if I wrestled them all into submission. What should I think other than what I am – wondering what is wrong with me, frustrated to have to fight for answers in the medical world, longing for the body I once took for granted.

I’m at peace with God… just wishing and hoping and praying for answers. Wondering why, at 10am this morning, after 10 hours of sleep and a healthy breakfast why I would be wiped out.  Recent test results dispute what I’m actually feeling.  That’s a good thing…but then what’s wrong?  Long conversation with a nurse this afternoon gave me a smidgen of hope but more of me wants to stop being a loud advocate for myself and accept what is. My family wouldn’t support that decision.

There’s a lot I don’t know right now.  What I DO know is:

  • God has never left me but has only shown me great kindness and care. Ridiculous, extravagant, personal care.
  • Friends and family are praying for me and helping us in practical ways. HUGELY encouraging.
  • I am His in life and death.
  • It’s OK to be where I am. Right now, I’m uncertain, blah, and unproductive.  Pretty much the opposite of who I want to be.
  • This morning I prayed for help for the day, specifically in the form of someone who would pause long enough to listen, help, direct. That was answered in the phone call with JC, the nurse. He empathized and offered some hope for answers… that was huge and I said as much.

I’m thinking a lot about what unanswered questions may mean for my life and schedule.  I don’t know how that will flesh out but I know it makes me nervous to think about those conversations that would affect our family.  Lord, that’s too much to take on right now. One day at a time. For tonight, rest in the grace I have for today.  It’s enough.

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